Helping You Love Yourself into
Success with Personal Peace!
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Ask Dr.
Ilenya
This page is
for your questions
and my answers! If you have a question related to stress
reduction, creating success, self-compassion
and self-loving, or similar
themes,
please e-mail me at Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.
If
selected, your question will be answered in this column.
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Ilenya Marrin, DSS |
10/31/06
Dear Dr. Ilenya,
My husband has several habits that have
irritated me throughout our marriage. 1. He leaves papers (usually his incoming
mail) on any flat surface in the house. I know this is a habit he has picked up
from his mother. She always did the same thing. How can I deal with this within
myself? I've asked him many times not to do it, but it has not helped.
2.
He makes demands on me that I feel are his responsibilities. If I don't do
them, we end up in an argument. How do I deal with this in a different way? We
have been married for over 25 years and it seems to be getting worse.
Sheila, from Southfield, Michigan
Dear Sheila,
This is a great opportunity for patience and loving with yourself, as you
learn new ways of responding to stress-creating triggers.
Here are some
suggestions, and please remember that even after 25 years of marriage, patterns
can change because people can change.
On a practical level, you
could try giving positive attention, appreciation, acknowledgement, for
positive behavior even for tiny improvements in not leaving papers lying
around. Research has shown that people will typically respond only in a limited
way (and often with more negativity) to criticism for "doing it wrong," and
much "better to praise for "doing it right." Saying, "Thanks for leaving the
dining table clear, honey," may go a lot further than griping about the six
other piles of papers elsewhere.
As for the demands that he makes that
you feel are his responsibilities, what would happen if you simply say -- from
a calm and loving perspective, "No, that one is yours, dear," and left it with
him? The key is to stay in your quiet, clear space within as you respond, and
no matter how he reacts, to remain there.
On the other hand, if he
makes a demand and you immediately move into upset, you're more or less
"hooked" before you get started. You're already in a place of conflict and
tension with him, because there is tension within you, and there will be a
"winner" and a "loser" unless one of you steps to a higher playing field. The
higher playing field is within.
With both of these issues, on the
inner level, you can look at your own pattern of being disturbed by his
behavior. What specifically bugs you the most? Now, the radical responsibility
part! Oh, yes, this is where it gets fun!
Here are some questions to
ask yourself and allow thoughtful, heartfelt answers to emerge. You might
want to light a candle, sit down, relax and really contemplate or meditate with
your journal at hand to capture your thoughts as they bubble to the surface. Or
you might want to ask a couple of key questions and mull them over at a deep
level while you go for a walk or soak in a bubble bath. I suggest asking for or
setting an intention of "Light for the highest good" along with your own
invocation as you begin this work.
How am I allowing, creating or
promoting this?
In what ways am I exhibiting the same kind of behavior I
don't like in him? (This can be subtle. Be willing to dig deeply. Often, the
things that bug us most in others are related to our own unconscious patterns.
Bringing these patterns to conscious awareness can be very healing.)
How am
I judging him? How am I judging myself?
What are the "shoulds" that are
running this situation?
What can I learn about myself from this situation?
What am I called to learn here?
How can I use this situation to learn,
grow or uplift myself?
How can I view this situation differently? How see
him differently?
How can I see myself differently?
Am I willing to move
to a different viewing point inside?
Be gentle with yourself and
notice what information starts coming up. Write it down to anchor the new
awareness and be able to revisit and learn more from your own notes.
Here's another powerful approach. In case your reflections
identified hurt places or themes within yourself that you might not like too
well, begin to shower yourself with loving. Take the attitude that you
are bigger than any negativity (old emotional wounds, your own ego patterns,
etc.) within yourself, and this is just one more part of you that exists to
help you learn and grow. So you can afford to love even the negative parts of
yourself.
Imagine taking any parts of yourself that are into judgment,
resistance or irritation, etc., and loving them, just the way you would love a
beloved child. Get acquainted. See what makes those parts of you tick. What are
your unmet needs that those parts reflect? Now that you recognize them, how can
you meet your own unmet needs?
And forgive yourself! In my
e-book, The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing
Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out, I go into more details, but
the basic process is simply to tell yourself, "I forgive myself for judging
myself for. . ." doing or thinking or feeling whatever you hold as negative.
Or, "I forgive myself for judging myself as . . . " whatever qualities you are
holding against yourself, such as stupid, incompetent, ignorant, selfish, and
all the other "I'm too this or that" stuff we run on ourselves.
You
don't have to feel it or believe the forgiveness at first. Keep making
statements of self-forgiveness until you get a shift in energy. Sometimes you
might have a feeling of things being lighter and brighter, or you heave a big
sigh of relief, or you start feeling a warm loving glow, or you have tears of
release and compassion. This can show up in many ways. The key is to do the
process as long as is necessary. Usually a few minutes of sincere
self-forgiveness
will do it.
As you work with yourself, your husband
might or might not change his behavior, but you should find it easier to be
with yourself when he does whatever he does.
God bless you, and I'm
sending you Love and Light,
Dr. Ilenya
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10/30/06 OK, here is the first
question I received in response to my invitation!
Dear Dr.
Ilenya,
I have Cadasil and have had 12-13 strokes in the last 3 years. I
stumble along with a cane (slowly) and really can’t talk and hope to be
understood. The only communication I have is the Internet and email. My biggest
problem is that people assume I’m dumb because I can’t speak. My wife
thinks the same thing and it makes me crazy. If they don’t read my mail,
it’s hopeless at best.
My question is: how can I change this
situation quicky? I’m awfully sick of being treated so poorly. I was a
real estate broker (manager etc.) before I got sick. I don’t want to bore
you with my tales of foolishness and triviality on the part of my so-called
friends. But your advice would be appreciated. My wife cut off my credit card
because she doesn’t understand computerization. Consequently I’ve
been without a sata to usb cable for months and an electric razor for over a
year.
Roman from Toronto, Ontario
Dear Roman,
You
don't mention any symptoms of Cadasil other than the strokes, but your letter
sounds pretty together. Having your capable mind overlooked by your wife and
friends because of your body's condition must be extremely
stressful!
People often simply don't know how to respond when a
loved one appears to be limited, and they may make assumptions that are
somewhat off base. Sometimes they are too overwhelmed with coping on the day to
day level to face deeper or seemingly invisible needs.
To reduce stress
and find some answers leading to more harmony for you (and hopefully also for
your wife), here are a few suggestions. It seems you need answers on two fronts
-- the immediately practical level and the inner peace level. Some of my first
approaches seem painfully obvious, but since you didn't say what you've already
tried, I'll state them anyway.
1) Write your non-computerized wife a
thoughtful letter and print it out for her to read. No printer? Can you
still write with a pen? If not, how about e-mailing a trusted friend with a
letter for your wife, to have it mailed to her? Bet she'd be surprised! You
might as well get creative about this!
2) If that doesn't get
results, perhaps you could e-mail a friend, former colleague or clergy
person and request that he or she help advocate for you with your wife, to help
work out a better way of communicating and getting your needs met.
3) Or, contact your local adult social services agency for help
with getting your voice heard and your needs met. You could try e-mailing
accessibility@css.gov.on.ca with the Ministry of Community and Social Services,
to ask for the appropriate person to e-mail about your situation. A trained
social worker might be very useful in negotiating on your behalf, helping your
wife to understand your condition and needs beyond physical care, and helping
your wife to cope with her own set of stressors.
On the more
personal level, you could certainly work with your mind to lessen some of
your frustration. Check out my articles on
meditation and read my
article on forgiveness.
Also, you might want to create a positive statement or
affirmation to repeat inwardly to help you hold an uplifting focus through
this challenging time. You could say something like, "I am now easily and
naturally receiving all that I need for my body, mind and spirit and I give
thanks." Or, "I am now being heard and all my needs are met with with ease and
grace."
My final suggestion is to access your faith. Prayer,
contemplation and uplifting reading can all be helpful as you strive to make
yourself understood by those dearest to you. If you don't consider yourself
particularly spiritual, you might want to try simply asking for "Light for the
highest good of all concerned," which certainly includes you!
However
you can help yourself to hold a positive focus should -- in a little time --
help your wife and friends to see you as still "having the light on" inside.
Thank you for being the first person to ask a question, and you will
receive a copy of my newest e-book, 77 Loving Steps for Success. Watch
your e-mail for a link to download it.
Joy, peace and blessings to
you,
Dr. Ilenya
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Copyright
2005 Ilenya Marrin, Power Of Personal Peace. Stress relief, stress reduction,
stress management, inner peace.
73 Prim Road #115
Colchester, VT
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